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Dispatch Review

Candid art criticism

Dispatch Review respectfully acknowledges the Whadjuk people as the traditional owners and custodians of the lands upon which we live and work. We pay deep respect to Elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land.
Reviews:

  1. 100 Sculpture Ideas for Sculptures by the Sea, by Rainy Colbert.
  2. Kate Mitchell’s Idea Induction, by Amelia Birch.
  3. Mai Nguyễn-Long’s Doba Nation, by Sam Beard.
  4. A conversation with Jo Darbyshire, by Stirling Kain.
  5. Dispatch Review’s 2024 Wrap-up.
  6. The people yearn..., by Max Vickery and Erin Russell.
  7. An invitation to dance, by Sam Beard.
  8. We Talk, We Discuss: An Interview with Taring Padi by Max Vickery.
  9. AGWA x PrideFEST by Felicity Bean.
  10. Tim Meakins, Body Mould by Sam Beard.
  11. Nick FitzPatrick, Hero Image by Francis Russell.
  12. Jacob Kotzee, Arrangements by Dan Glover.
  13. Hollow Icons: Desmond Mah at Mossenson by Darren Jorgensen.
  14. Pilgrimage: An interview with Vedika Rampal.
  15. The UnAustralian: Doubling Double Nation – An interview with Rex Butler.
  16. Negative Criticism: A Year of Dispatch Review by Tara Heffernan.
  17. Custodians as Reverse Monument by Darren Jorgensen.
  18. End of History – LWAG by Francis Russell.
  19. Hatched Dispatched 2024 by Dan Glover, Jess van Heerden, Nalinie See & Sam Beard.
  20. David Bromfield: A critic at large and ‘Where did the artists go?’
  21. Me, Also Me by Sam Beard.
  22. Paper Trails Between Lion and Swan by Sam Beard.
  23. Ceramically Speaking by Ben Yaxley. 
  24. The Strelley Mob by Sam Harper.
  25. Rone: The Mighty Success by Leslie Thompson.
  26. Paper Trails: An interview with Yeo Chee Kiong by Sam Beard.
  27. Power 100 by Dispatch Review.
  28. Foresight & Fiction by Ben Yaxley.
  29. Twin Peaks Was 30 by Matthew Taggart.
  30. Breaking News: It’s Rone! by Sam Beard.
  31. Look, looking at Anna Park by Amelia Birch.
  32. The Fan by Francis Russell.
  33. Follower, Leader by Maraya Takoniatis.
  34. Wanneroo Warholamania by Sam Beard.
  35. Death Metal Summer by Sam Beard.
  36. Players, Places: Reprised, Renewed, Reviewed by Aimee Dodds.
  37. Scholtz: Two Worlds Apart by  Corderoy, Fisher, Flaherty, Wilson, Fletcher,  Jorgensen, & Glover.
  38. Partial Sightings by Sam Beard.
  39. True! Crime. by Aimee Dodds.
  40. The Human Condition by Rex Butler.
  41. Light Event by Sam Beard.
  42. Rejoinder: Archival / Activism by Max Vickery.
  43. Access and Denial in The Purple Shall Govern by Jess van Heerden.
  44. 4Spells by Sam Beard.
  45. Abstract art, DMT capitalism and the ugliness of David Attwood’s paintings
    by Darren Jorgensen.
  46. Unearthing new epistemologies of extraction by Samuel Beilby.
  47. Seek Wisdom by Max Vickery.
  48. Something for Everyone by Sam Beard.
  49. Violent Sludge by Aimee Dodds.
  50. State of Abstraction by Francis Russell.
  51. Double Histories: Special Issue, with texts by Ian McLean, Terry Smith, and Darren Jorgensen & Sam Beard.
  52. Six Missing Shows by Sam Beard.
  53. What We Memorialise by Max Vickery.
  54. At the End of the Land by Amelia Birch.
  55. The beautiful is useful by Sam Beard.
  56. ām / ammā / mā maram by Zali Morgan.
  57. Making Ground, Breaking Ground by Maraya Takoniatis.
  58. Art as Asset by Sam Beard.
  59. Cactus Malpractice by Aimee Dodds.
  60. Sweet sweet pea by Sam Beard.
  61. COBRA by Francis Russell.
  62. PICA Barn by Sam Beard .
  63. Gallery Hotel Metro by Aimee Dodds.
  64. A Stroll Through the Sacred, Profane, and Bizarre by Samuel Beilby.
  65. Filling in the Gaps at Spacingout by Maraya Takoniatis.
  66. Disneyland Cosmoplitanism by Sam Beard.
  67. Discovering Revenue by Anonymous.
  68. Uncomfortable Borrowing by Jess van Heerden.
  69. It’s Not That Strange by Stirling Kain.
  70. Hatched Dispatched 2023 by Sam Beard & Aimee Dodds.
  71. Fuck the Class System by Jess van Heerden, Jacinta Posik, Darren Jorgensen, et al.
  72. Wild About Nothing by Sam Beard.
  73. Paranoiac, Peripatetic: Pet Projects by Aimee Dodds.
  74. An Odd Moment for Women’s Art by Maraya Takoniatis.
  75. Transmutations by Sam Beard.
  76. The Post-Vandal by Sam Beard.
  77. Art Thugs and Humbugs by Max Vickery.
  78. Disneyland, Paris, Ardross and the artworld by Darren Jorgensen.
  79. Bizarrely, A Biennale by Aimee Dodds.
  80. Venus in Tullamarine by Sam Beard.
  81. Weird Rituals by Sam Beard.
  82. Random Cube by Francis Russell.
  83. Yeah, Nah, Rockpool by Aimee Dodds.
  84. Towards a Blind Horizon by Kieron Broadhurst.
  85. Being Realistic by Sam Beard.

100 Sculpture Ideas for Sculptures by the Sea
Friday, 7 March2025
THIS YEAR SCULPTURES BY THE SEA EXISTS PURELY IN THE MIND. I THINK THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE WRITTEN 100 SCULPTURE IDEAS FOR SCULPTURES BY THE SEA.

  1. IT’S THE PERTH CACTUS BUT ITS MADE OF CORAL REEF. 

  2. ON THE PONTOON STANDS THE STRONGEST MAN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA. WHOEVER CAN PUSH HIM OFF IS CROWNED THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. 

  3. IT’S ME ON MY BOOGIE BOARD, DOING TRICKS. 

  4. CHILDREN DIG A REALLY BIG HOLE AND CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT IT’S BOTTOMLESS. 

  5. CHRIST HAS ARISEN. IT’S EASTER COME EARLY. LEAVE AN UNWRAPPED CHOCCY EGG ON EVERY CAR. 

  6. BALANCE BIRD, BUT REALLY BIG. 

  7. SIX GLASS CYLINDERS ARE ARRANGED FROM EAST TO WEST, EACH HOUSING ONE OF COTTESLOE’S MOST UNDESIRABLE RESIDENTS (AS VOTED BY ANONYMOUS COMMUNITY POLL). THE ROOF OF EACH CYLINDER IS A BIG MAGNIFYING GLASS. AS THE SUN SETS, PEOPLE GET TO SEE DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. 

  8. KINETIC PRESSED HAM. DUDE ON MOTORISED ZIPLINE GETS HIS BARE ASS PRESSED THROUGH A HUNDRED PANES OF GLASS.  

  9. EVERYONE IS GIVEN A FREE METAL DETECTOR. ANY VALUABLES FOUND WILL BE DONATED TO ME TO HELP RECOUP THE COSTS OF THE METAL DETECTORS. 

  10. COLOURFUL MURAL OF A WOMAN LOOKING PENSIVE. 

  11. DESALINATE THE OCEAN AND SELL BOTTLES OF THE WATER. 

  12. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? I DID. ONE HUNDRED GREYHOUNDS RACE DOWN COTTESLOE BEACH. 

  13. PLACE T.A.B. BETTING MACHINES ALONG THE OCEAN SHORE. MAYBE I WIN SOME MONEY. 

  14. MAKE THE WATER SO COLD THAT ALL THE WAVES TURN TO ICE. 

  15. MAKE THE SAND SO HOT IT TURNS INTO GLASS. USE GLASS TO REPAIR THE BROKEN WINDOWS OF PEOPLE’S CARS. 

  16. BIG MOUNTAIN OF TREASURES I GOT FROM… NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR. 

  17. ALL THE RAINBOW LORIKEETS ARE CAPTURED AND PAINTED GREY AND MADE TO HOLD TINY IPHONES. THEY ARE ALSO GIVEN TRANQUILIZERS TO REALLY HAMMER HOME THE MESSAGE. 

  18. A WILD BULL HAS ESCAPED FROM THE ABATTOIR. HE’S PISSED. 

  19. A SEVERED HEAD WASHES UP ON THE BEACH. NO ONE KNOWS WHO IT IS AND EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT. BUT ACTUALLY, IT’S JUST A STEM CELL HEAD GROWN IN A LAB.  (COLLAB WITH STELARC?) 

  20. SOME KIDS ARE PLAYING WITH A BEACH BALL BUT IT’S ACTUALLY JUST A MEDICINE BALL AND THEY’RE ACTUALLY RIPPED. 

  21. ASTRONOMY-GRADE TELESCOPE WITH INK ON THE EYEPIECE SO EVERYONE WALKS AWAY WITH A BLACK EYE. AND ALSO IT’S POINTED AT THE SUN. 

  22. MOVE SOUTH FREO POWER STATION TO COTTESLOE AND COTTESLOE TEA HOUSE TO SOUTH FREO. 

  23. WRITE A LONG LIST OF ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SLIGHTED ME OR HURT MY FEELINGS. RIP IT UP AND THROW INTO THE SEA. WEEP TEARS OF JOY AND HUG ALL MY NEW EUROPEAN BACKPACKER FRIENDS. 

  24. BEACHED WHALE PIÑATA. 

  25. THE PIÑATA IS ACTUALLY FILLED WITH WHALE EGGS. EVERY CHILD HAS TO TAKE ONE HOME TO RAISE IN THEIR POOL. RESPONSIBILITY. 

  26. EMPTY EIGHT TONNES OF BOILED SPAGHETTI INTO THE OCEAN TO STUDY EFFECTS ON ECOSYSTEM. 

  27. OUTDOOR COMMUNITY SCREENING FOR A FILM THAT NOBODY LIKES. 

  28. WACKY WAVING INFLATABLE GUY DROWNING AT SEA. 

  29. REPLACE SAND WITH GLO-SAND. 

  30. FEED REST OF FISH AND CHIPS TO SEAGULLS. THE CHIPS ARE MADE OF WHETSTONES. THEIR BEAKS BECOME RAZOR SHARP. 

  31. CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES AND PUT THEM BACK UP. 

  32. A TAX INSPECTOR WALKING THROUGH BEACHSIDE ITALIAN RESTAURANT CALLING “TAXMAN, TAXMAN”, TAKING HANDFULS OF PEOPLE’S SALAD AND RISOTTO, GETTING HIS FILL. 

  33. DIG A HOLE UNDER YOUR MATE’S TOWEL AND PUT THE TOWEL BACK. 

  34. TWO LOVERS LAY ATOP ONE ANOTHER IN A GLASS BATHTUB. ONE OF THEM IS MADE OF ICE. AS ONE LOVER MELTS, THE OTHER DROWNS TO DEATH. 

  35. VOLUNTEERS HANDING OUT SUN CREAM, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY JUST MELTED ICE CREAM. 

  36. GIANT MAGNET THAT SUCKS EVERYTHING IN WITHIN A FIVE KILOMETRE RADIUS. 

  37. SOME FISHERMEN WHO LOOK LIKE HUMAN VERSIONS OF THE FISH THEY HAVE CAUGHT, AND WHEN THEY BLINK, THE FISH BLINK TOO. 

  38. RELATIONAL AESTHETICS PIECE WHERE I COOK HOTDOGS FOR MY FRIENDS. 

  39. MY MOTHER’S FRIEND SHARON MAKES BEAUTIFUL HANDMADE SOAPS MADE FROM ETHICALLY SOURCED NATURAL PRODUCTS. THEY SMELL DELICIOUS AND ARE GOOD FOR YOUR SKIN. USE TO REPLACE URINAL SOAP. 

  40. ORGANISE FLASH MOB. SPEND THREE MONTHS PRACTICING WITH STEADILY DIMINISHING INTEREST. ON THE DAY, ONLY THREE DANCERS SHOW UP. YOU STILL HAVE TO DO THE FLASH MOB BECAUSE IT’S ON THE PROGRAMME. 

  41. ANT FARM FOR TROUBLED TEENS. 

  42. TUNNEL UNDERGROUND INTO THE BOTTOM OF PEOPLE’S ESKIES SO YOU CAN GET WASTED FOR FREE. 

  43. I AM WEEPING BUT MY TEARS ARE ACTUALLY JUST HOLOGRAMS. 

  44. NO MORE BINARIES! NO MORE BUSH VS BEACH. MOVE 800 TONNES OF KALAMUNDA GRAVEL ONTO THE SHORE. 

  45. WORLD’S TALLEST LADDER SO WHEN THE SUN SETS, YOU CAN GO UP A RUNG AND WATCH IT SET A SECOND TIME, AND THEN TWO HUNDRED TIMES MORE. 

  46. DUDE REFUSING TO COME OUT OF THE WATER BECAUSE HE HAS A BONER. 

  47. NEW RULE THAT EVERYONE HAS TO WEAR THEIR CAPS BACKWARDS, UNLESS THAT’S HOW THEY NORMALLY WEAR IT. IN THAT CASE, THEY HAVE TO WEAR IT FORWARDS. RADICAL EMPATHY. 

  48. REROUTE THE FREMANTLE TRAINLINE TO GO OFF THE JETTY AND INTO THE SEA. 

  49. ONE OF THOSE AEROPLANES THAT WRITES WORDS IN THE SKY BUT ANYONE CAN TELL IT WHAT TO WRITE VIA WALKIE TALKIE TECHNOLOGY. 

  50. SWITCH THE HAND SANITIZER WITH MELTED ICE CREAM. 

  51. LOCAL MOTHERS GROUP MEETUP BUT THE INFANTS ARE ACTUALLY JUST HOLOGRAMS. 

  52. PLUCK OUT A STRAND OF HAIR FOR EVERY VISITOR TO TAKE HOME AS A SOUVENIR.  

  53. INCREDIBLY HOT PERSON OFFERS TO RUB SUN CREAM ON YOUR BACK BUT IT’S ACTUALLY JUST ICE CREAM AND THEY’RE ACTUALLY JUST A HOLOGRAM. 

  54. MAKE THE SUN SHINE A MONOFREQUENCY LIGHT. 

  55. ONE OF THOSE TURKISH GELATO TRICKSTERS, BUT HIS ICE CREAM IS ACTUALLY JUST A HOLOGRAM. 

  56. DUDE TRYING TO RECREATE THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR COLDPLAY’S YELLOW BUT HE KEEPS HAVING TO RESTART BECAUSE OF PEOPLE IN THE FRAME. 

  57. COLLECT ALL THE TOWELS PEOPLE LEAVE ON THE BEACH. WEAVE INTO A BEAUTIFUL TAPESTRY TO DEMONSTRATE HOW ART BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER. 

  58. POUR ONE HUNDRED LITRES OF ANTI AGING CREAM INTO THE SEA. FOR EVERY MINUTE SPENT IN THE WATER, LOSE TEN YEARS. 

  59. TEENS SPELLING OUT YOLO WITH THEIR ARMS BUT THEY HAVE TO STAND LIKE THAT ALL DAY WITHOUT SHELTER, SLEEP, FOOD OR WATER. 

  60. INVITE VISITORS TO DONATE BLOOD WHICH I WILL INJECT INTO VEINS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 

  61. FLY IN ONE OF EVERY APE FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD (GIBBON, BABBOON, GORRILA, ETCETERA). PUT THEM ALL IN THE SAME CAGE. EVERY DAY, THE AUDIENCE VOTES ON WHO THEY WANT TO EVICT. THE LAST APE WINS THE REST OF MY GRANT MONEY. EVICTED APES RECEIVE NOTHING, BUT MAY WANDER COTTESLOE BEACH AS THEY PLEASE, ENJOYING THE BEAUTIFUL SCULPTURES. 

  62. DUDE SITTING IN HIS CAR, BOGGED IN THE SAND, EATING MCDONALDS. 

  63. SPEND WHOLE DAY COLLECTING BOTTLES AND CANS. THROW THEM INTO THE SEA. WHO CARES? 

  64. PLEDGE TO PLANT A TREE FOR EVERY AUDIENCE VOTE, AND IF I DON’T WIN, PLANT WEEDS. 

  65. DEVELOP SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. PRONOUNCE WIGGLE AS WINGLE AND WINGLE AS WANGLE. 

  66. ARTISIAN CRABSTICKS MADE FROM THE PULVERISED FLESH OF EXOTIC CRUSTACEANS FLOWN IN FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD. 

  67. WHITE PEOPLE WITH DREADLOCKS PLAYING HACKY SACK ON THE GRASS. THE HACKY SACK IS MADE OF LEAD AND THEIR FEET HAVE NO NERVE ENDINGS. 

  68. FIREWORKS BUT DURING THE DAY. 

  69. SMUGGLE THE BATAVIA SHIPWRECK OUT OF MARITIME MUSEUM. RESINK AT COTTESLOE BEACH. 

  70. AN INCREDIBLE CHOREOGRAPHED DRONE SHOW OF SOUND AND LIGHT, BUT ITS ACTUALLY ME AND MY FRIENDS WITH HEAD TORCHES FLYING IN A PELICAN’S MOUTH. 

  71. THE GIANT GOONBAG FROM 2014 AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME IT’S MADE OUT OF SOLID GOLD. 

  72. BURY A BILLION DOLLARS OF GOLD IN THE SAND. TURN THE BEACH INTO AN OPEN PIT MINE. 

  73. PLACE FART BOMBS UNDER THE WHEELS OF PEOPLE’S CARS TO PROMOTE ALTERNATIVE MODES OF TRANSPORT. 

  74. SCULPTURES BY THE SEA X BROWNES MILK COLLAB. THREE AWESOME NEW FLAVOURS INSPIRED BY THE TASTES OF WA SUMMER. 

  75. A NEANDERTHAL WASHES UP ON THE SHORE, ENTOMBED IN A BIG BLOCK OF ICE. NOW HE’S HOLDING UP THE CANTEEN LINE, ASKING WHAT THINGS MEAN. 

  76. DESIGNER DUNCE CAPS. 

  77. LEAVE A LOADED GUN ON THE BEACH TO SEE IF CHEKHOV WAS RIGHT. 

  78. THE TOILETS AND URINALS IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM, BUT THEY’RE ACTUALLY JUST HOLOGRAMS. 

  79. A TRAIN ENTHUSIAST WHO HAS NO LIPS BECAUSE THEY ONCE TRIED TO KISS A MOVING TRAIN. 

  80. A DESK WITH SOME PAPERS FROM SCIENCE BOOKS ON IT. IT IS IMPLIED THAT THE RESEARCHER IS MENTALLY ILL. FIND WAY TO STOP PAPERS BLOWING INTO THE SEA. 

  81. BREED A THOUSAND RATS IN A LAB AND GROW ALL THE HUMAN BODY PARTS ON THEM USING STEM CELL TECHNOLOGY (COLLAB WITH STELARC?) THE RATS ASSEMBLE TOGETHER TO MAKE AN INCREDIBLY HANDSOME MAN. BE CAREFUL NOT TO FALL IN LOVE ON THE FIRST DATE— LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING. 

  82. MY FOUR RUDEST FRIENDS ARE SAYING BAD THINGS AND USING FOUL LANGUAGE AND I MUST FIND A WAY TO TELL THEM OFF WITHOUT CHANGING THE GROUP DYNAMIC. 

  83. CAPTURE FOUR GREAT WHITE SHARKS AND GIVE THEM LEGS AND ARMS AND MAKE THEM RIPPED (COLLAB WITH STELARC?). 

  84. BASIL ZEMPILAS FAMILY GATHERING, REUNITED AT LAST WITH HIS ESTRANGED BROTHERS OREGANO ZEMPILAS, CORIANDER ZEMPILAS, BOVRIL ZEMPILAS AND FIVE SPICE ZEMPILAS. SORRY, THAT WAS JUST A BIT OF POLITICAL HUMOUR. 

  85. BEACH RAVE BUT THE DJ FORGETS HER AUX CORD AND ONLY HAS A 2ND GEN IPOD NANO SO WE JUST LISTEN TO CDS IN HER CAR AND THE ONLY ONE SHE HAS IS PAUL SIMON’S GRACELAND. 

  86. LEGALISE DACKING. HAND OUT SHIRTS THAT SAY “PLEASE DON’T DACK ME, I’M FREEBALLING”. 

  87. HAVE A BREAKFAST TABLE FOR ALL THE KIDS COME WITH NO BREAKFAST, BUT IT’S NICE BREAKFAST AND THEY HAVE TO PAY. 

  88. GUY WITH A 2009 HAIRCUT AND A SIGN THAT SAYS FREE HUGS. 

  89. ASSEMBLE A TEAM OF NATURE’S GREATEST ENGINEERS (SPIDER, BEE, DUNG BEETLE AND AN ANT). CREATE A SHARED COWORKING SPACE FOR THEM TO SHARE IDEAS AND WORK TOGETHER ON SOME INCREDIBLE LAND ART. 

  90. OFFER TO TAKE PEOPLE’S GROUP PHOTOS BUT THEN JUST BROWSE THE GAMES ON THEIR PHONE. 

  91. CARRY WHOOPEE CUSHION IN BACK POCKET TO GIVE THE PICKPOCKETS A SURPRISE. 

  92. GEOLOGISTS DIG UP A BIG DINOSAUR BONE BUT IT ACTUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE A DINOSAUR’S DICK BONE. 

  93. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF MENTAL HEALTH? DID YOU KNOW THAT 30% OF AUSTRALIANS SUFFER FROM MENTAL HEALTH? COME TOSS SOME BEANBAGS AND WIN SOME MINTIES FOR MENTAL HEALTH. 

  94. CLASSIC BLOKE WALKING ROUND WITH BEER CAN ON HIS HEAD, SHRUGGING HIS SHOULDERS, NO BIG DEAL. 

  95. FLY IN ONE HUNDRED OF THE BEST BORAT IMPERSONATORS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. THE BORATS WALK AROUND THE BEACHFRONT AND LIAISE WITH THE PUBLIC. BUT, ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY BORAT. VISITORS HAVE TO VOTE ON WHO IS THE REAL BORAT AND THE WINNER GETS TO LIVE IN SACHA BARON COHEN’S HOUSE WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND THE REST ARE SENT BACK TO KAZAKHSTAN. 

  96. SOMEONE HAS BEEN SMOKING IN THE CHANGEROOMS. I CAN SMELL IT. NO ONE’S GOING HOME UNTIL SOMEONE FESSES UP. 

  97. WORLD’S THIRSTIEST MAN HAS DRUNK UP ALL OF THE BEACH WATER. NOW COTTESLOE BEACH IS COTTESLOE DESERT. THE GOVERNMENT FLIES IN ALL OF PERTH’S HOTTEST OPEN MIC COMEDIANS TO MAKE HIM LAUGH WHICH WILL RELEASE THE SALTWATER. THIS IS NO SMALL TASK. THE THIRSTY MAN HAS NOT LAUGHED IN MONTHS. HE IS DEAD INSIDE. 

  98. COMMANDEER THE ROTTNEST FERRY AND STEER IT INTO MY LEAST FAVOURITE SCULPTURE. 

  99. UNDERTAKE SIX MONTH RESIDENCY AT LOCAL HOG TANNERY, LEARNING TO MAKE AN AUTHENTIC PIGSKIN BULLWHIP. STAND ON JETTY AND DELIVER OWN HINEY ~ONE LASHING~ FOR EVERY SCULPTURE IDEA REJECTED BY SBTS AUTHORITIES. 

  100. A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET.
     

    Image by Rainy Colbert.